


I Thought I could Fly

by ImagineBeingSafe



Series: Caught' Verse [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Autistic!Reader, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Established Relationship, F/M, Family Feels, Fluff, Food, Gen, Love, Platonic Relationships, Self-Esteem Issues, Singing, Suicidal Thoughts, Touchy-Feely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 15:36:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17004384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImagineBeingSafe/pseuds/ImagineBeingSafe
Summary: You can't fight alone anymore.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This? This is personal. this was started before I sought help. 
> 
> I'm better than I was, but it got really bad. 
> 
> Even Mark and Jack weren't enough at the end. 
> 
> I had to save myself.
> 
> It's never too late. It's the bravest thing, getting help.
> 
> So this is a bad headspace. be wary of that. 
> 
> Read the tags.
> 
> Lyrics are from Jason Walker- Down

**I don't know where I'm at**

**I'm standing at the back**

**And I'm tired of waiting.**

 

**Waiting here in line**

**Hoping that I'll find**

**What I've been chasing.**

 

You've been worse off.

 

That's why you shouldn't feel like this.

 

Part of you _knew_ you would get where you needed to be .

 

But the inner part of you that screamed was tired of waiting:

 

For things to get better.

 

For things to change.

 

You are grateful for what you have.

 

_Why does it hurt, then?_

 

The thoughts had been there ever since you could see yourself.

 

The memories of how many times you'd failed.

 

Of being let down, over and over again, by life, by other people.

 

The vicious whispers in your mind-

 

_Worthless._

 

_Fuck up._

 

_Lost._

 

_Alone._

 

_Broken._

 

_Failure._

 

_They don't need you. Never did._

 

_They won't miss you._

 

_You cling too tight._

 

_They must be so sick of the little fangirl who got lucky._

 

_Why are you still here?_

 

Most of the time, you could counteract them.

 

But when you were alone too long….

 

-Like the past few weeks.

 

Jack was on tour.

 

That meant no late night text sessions or games, chats over discord while he made thumbnails, or took care of minutia related to YouTube.

 

Mark was working on a new script for a project.  You wrote as well, there was no way you'd bother him.

 

And it was okay.

 

**_I'm not ready to let go_ **

**_'Cause then I'd never know_ **

**_What I could be missing_ **

 

You didn't want to die most days, tomorrow was always new.

 

You didn't want to miss anything.

 

At the same time, you were alone.

 

Relationships are hard.

 

You had no family here, friendships were rare.

 

And a partner?

 

_Please._

 

You _wanted,_ though.

 

A hand to hold, a warm embrace, someone to listen.

 

Someone to care for.

 

Someone to remind you-

 

 

_-It will be okay._

 

 

Life alone was lesser, you knew that from before LA.

 

 

**_But I'm missing way too much._ **

**_When do I give up_ **

**_What I've been wishing for?_ **

 

 

It wasn't forever.

 

Both of the boys would settle again, and it would go back to normal-

 

 -and it would be enough.

 

_It had to be._

 

**_I shot for the sky_ **

**_I'm stuck on the ground_ **

**_So why do I try?_ **

**_I know I'm gonna fall down._ **

**_I thought I could fly,_ **

**_So why did I drown?_ **

**_You never know why_ **

**_It's coming down, down, down._ **

 

It's so tiring, to be stuck.

 

To wait.

 

To do everything right and watch it fall apart.

 

You had to keep going.

 

No matter what you lose.

 

++++++

 

You've had crying fits lately. Mostly at night, in the dark hours when it doesn't matter.

 

It hasn't happened in the middle of the day before.

 

_…It hurts._

 

Something's broken in your chest, you can't catch your breath, and the tears won't stop.

 

You are alone and insignificant. And. And.

 

It wouldn't matter if you disappear.

 

Jack will get over it. You can't mean that much, an ocean away.

 

Mark has everyone else. You are easily replaced. A million just like you to pick from.

 

 

They might miss you at first, but they’ll get over it

 

 

_They both have enough to keep going without you._

 

_You know exactly who you are._

 

_You are not enough._

 

_Always a step behind._

 

_If they saw you, really saw you, they'd hate you._

 

_You’re such a burden, always._

 

_You never deserved them anyways._

 

_Why are you still here?_

 

**_Oh, I'm going down, down, down._ **

**_I can't find another way around_ **

**_And I don't wanna hear the sound_ **

**_Of losing what I've never found._ **

 


	2. Keep going, we are with you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you were never alone

Mark finds you.

 

He comes pounding on your door after you disappear on him.

 

He sees what you can't hide any more.

 

He holds you when you cry pathetically, not caring anymore who sees.

 

You can't do this anymore.

 

You don't see a purpose anymore.

 

There is no more light, the tunnel collapsed.

 

He calls 911.

 

++++++

 

Two days later, and it's visiting hours.

 

You've talked to Mark, gave him your ID number so he can call whenever he'd like.

 

You don't expect him to come. He's busy, always is these days.

 

Hearing the Irish lilt of a voice, softer than it is most days, makes you spin your head in shock.

 

_What is Jack doing here?!_

 

The only thing you can whisper is a weak murmur of:

 

" _Why?"_

 

"Why-  What? Why did I come? Y/N. As soon as Mark told me, as soon as I could, I came.

 

I thought you knew, how much I cared. I won't let you go through this alone."

 

The two of you spend the rest of the time you have chatting.

 

They update you on things on the outside and make you feel better than you have in weeks.

 

Soon you are released and go home.

 

Jack is staying for a while, using Mark's office as his filming grounds.

 

He's got plans and needs your help.

 

This isn't the end of your fight, but with them, you've got the light you need.


End file.
